When it comes to dealing with pregnant women, I’m no expert. Hell, I still don’t even know how to figure out women in general. In fact, I’m the antithesis of an expert.
Luckily for you, I’ve made just about every single stupid mistake and placed my foot so far in my mouth during my wife’s pregnancies that I’m overqualified to speak to you about things you need to know to avoid getting knocked out by the knocked up.
Here are the 13 most important things to remember.
1. Feed her constantly.
Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. The bottom line is, when she says she’s hungry, she means it. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your f*cking face.
Know that “I’m hungry” doesn’t mean she’s looking forward to the dinner plans you have in an hour. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car.
Failure to promptly produce snacks will result in extreme b*tchiness at best, and bodily injury at worst. Just turn yourself into a walking, talking vending machine for nine months and you’ll be fine.
2. Food: What’s yours is hers, what’s hers is off-limits.
There’s a good chance you’ve been married or together a few years now, so it’s perfectly understandable that you bought into all that stuff about togetherness and sharing a life, etc. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food.
If you eat food that’s hers (or food you bought for yourself but she somehow claimed as hers), she will cut you. Not physically, perhaps, but by the time she’s finished excoriating you you’ll wish it was just a knife wound you suffered.
I ate some of MJ’s chocolate once, and when she went to find it during a craving and saw that it was gone, she flew into a rage that was one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen. Just don’t do it.
3. Get ready to gain weight.
Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? That’s no mistake. Ultimately, at some point, she’ll have cravings. When MJ was pregnant with Will, she wanted pizza, Kit Kats and grapefruit. The second time around, it was nothing but fruit salad.
But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight, too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in our partners’ cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. I gained 25 pounds during MJ’s pregnancy five years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained — WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.
4. Don’t point out how big she’s getting.
My Boston sports habit notwithstanding, I’m a fairly logical person. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. That’s why I thought absolutely nothing of pointing out my wife’s really cute swollen belly.
In my mind, it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first two or three times I said it, she snapped on me. “STOP TELLING ME I’M FAT! I KNOW I’M FAT! I DON’T NEED YOU POINTING IT OUT!!”
It didn’t matter that in my eyes she had never looked more beautiful, or that she was SUPPOSED to be gaining weight. Which leads me to my next point…